Artist

Life is no art form.

It's messy, surprising, painful even.
I've fallen down more times than I can count, I've cried more tears than I'd care to admit. I've been faced with more fear and pain than any girl deserves.

But I've also laughed with a girl who can only be described as golden, I've loved and been loved by a man who's human, but beyond my wildest dreams. I've denied the impossible only to discover that it is in fact possible.
I can't even describe what I feel in the moments when I realize just how small I am in this world, so much insignificance... But I have a strange impact here as well. I have the joy and pain of loving people, making music, and living life with as much joy as I can. I don't claim to be good at it, in fact I'd probably say I'm bad at it.
But that's why I'm here.
A wise scholar once said,

"The Two Most Important Days In Your Life Are The Day You Were Born And The Day When You Find Out Why."

We are here as people. 

Pain-filled, judgmental, angry, selfish, sensitive, flawed people.

But there is beauty to be discovered... no, strike that, to be created.

It's an abstract art, one with few rules and fewer guidelines. But I think everyone has an "ideal" picture in their head... after pushing past selfishness and anger and pain that lingers inside, there's an image made of perfection, one that's unachievable. 

Most people hide it or they try to forget it because sometimes what's most perfect and good can bring more pain in it's absence than anything in existence ever could.

But what if the unachievable perfect picture is there for a good reason?... As a guideline, and a goal.

Now I'm not one of those "believe and achieve" or "think into existence" people, so don't check out on me just yet.

I'd like to propose that life really is about living now, today... but with it in the perspective of "part of the ideal story". Not in an impatient, angry mindset - but in a longing joy-filled imaginative creating mindset.

We DO get to design our own lives... even if it takes longer, or more pain than first expected. 

But remember last night, when you sat with your love at a hookah cafe eating baklava and smoking champagne?... Remember last week when you bought a piano? Remember the other day when you were told "You make me happy. ...no, good food makes me happy. YOU bring me joy - true joy".

Remember that?...

Life has small delights and joys amidst the hard work, guilt, and sadness. 

Just remember when it's hard: There's tomorrow, there will be laughter, and love, and music, and hope. You can find a new job, you can get a bigger house and a better car. You WILL get your desires... but patience, and joy in the now is required. If you can't seek and create good right now, today, what makes you think you'll find it next week, or year,... or ever? 

Fact: if you "miss your chance" or mess up the plan... you'll be ok. It's just another adventure on the way. 

Make a life today that's worthy of a story ten years from now. You won't regret it. 

Even if you don't "get it" before you die, you will have gotten the best part: The joy, the dreams, the laughter, the faith, the love. 

“‎Do you know that nothing you do in this life will ever matter, unless it is about loving God and loving the people he has made?” -Francis Chan

Screw sadness. I want to be joyful no matter how far I run, how much of a mess I make. 
Find the people who will be by your side no matter what, and never let them go. Live life together.
With your friends, or family, or significant other... the people you Love... Nothing is for anything if you don't have them in your daily life.

Be an artist, a true hipster in a world of fake ones. Paint something new, play a tune the likes of  which has NEVER been heard before. Do something strange... just because it's fun.
Make life an adventure, and every moment one for the record books. You are the artist, so go find your unachievable image... and start the art of living.


This next part's just for my good memories sake: "I love Stinkpot yes I do, I hope Stinkpot loves me to, I'll love Stinkpot all my life, promise not to bring her anymore strife"

He makes me happy.
I haven't been happy with life since I was like 6. He makes me laugh and smile, people don't often see real joy out of me, but he draws it out. I miss the way he looked at me, it made me feel loved, beautiful, safe, and like we had fire between us. He has my heart, I don't want to take it back for anything. I just pray that he never tries to hand it back.

I get SO excited over marrying him one moment and then the next moment I feel like I'm being too needy or ooey-gooey and beat myself up for it.
I just want my man... Right now.

The boy of my dreams

God you know, that if I lost everything else in the world I'd be ok because I know he'd find a way to take care of me... But if I loose him, everything is already gone.

I just realized that... And I know I'm being silly but my worst fear is that he'll decide I'm not good enough for him in some way... or that he just doesn't like or want me anymore, or that there's someone better. It's awesome when he's here because he shows me that he loves me everyday, and he proves it... But when he's gone - even though I'm secure in myself and who I am - I feel so insecure, so scared (like an idiot, I hope) that he's off in Texas finding someone better, or just deciding that I'm not worth it.

I'm asking you God, for some reason you gave him to me... now please don't take him away. I'm really in love with him and I don't know what my life would be without him. If we're just fine and he still loves me just like he says he does, give me security. And if for some reason he breaks it off... give me security. I like myself the best when he's by my side, and I truly believe that you used him to finally give me direction, but if he goes away I'm screwed. Please please please let me keep him, and make him a man worthy of your seal. You know my wishes every time I throw a penny or see a shooting star have been for him ever since that first night... So please give me that unless you make something miraculously better obvious to me. (which I don't see happening)

But please... Make me secure.

Fact of the day

Makeup covers a lot.

Say what?

Because we aren't always good, because we mess up, because we will have pain, because people will hate, because all we can possibly do is our best... even though sometimes our best isn't even good.
I run into more days when my best SHOULD be nothing more than staying in bed... but I force myself into life anyways. I tell myself that if  I give in to my pain I'm weak, that if I do what anyone else would do... people will see me as lazy. I end up working my ass off for minimum wage... and often less than that because I feel bad for saying no. Well I'm finally saying no to people, I gave myself a valid excuse (I see it as more valid than chronic pain). I'm going to be working overtime, with little sleep and even less pay... but I WANT to, this time I made the choice, and I have a better chance at joy elsewhere. I get to leave all of the people who despise me for no reason... and the ones who love me only for my yesses and fake sunshine (even when they don't know it). Truth is, NO you're NOT the only one! Life. Sucks. For more than just you. No, I may not "get" exactly what you're going through, but I get pain. I get what you're feeling and all of the suck in life.
But at the same time, I also "get" that God is somehow good in the midst of this mess. I get that I have a hope and a future... even if it doesn't show up until heaven. And I get... that sometimes I do need to stuff all of the pain and depression, even if just for a moment; Because there's NOTHING wrong, with pretending there's nothing wrong. Not so much for the show of it, or for other people... but because in the lapse of caring about caring I find a spark... a reason to dance in the nothingness.
I find "nothing" to be beautiful and amazing, because I'm surrounded by somethings and someones and problems and never ending shit ALL THE TIME... I like to just stop sometimes, remember to forget... and dance, scream, run, beat things... but all the while: be careless and free. For no other reason than that it feels better than living the normal way.

So even though I live in and amid pain, the one and only thing I can do... against all of the expected and asked for and normal and perceived things... is FIGHT.

Wondering

Will bad always out way good in this life?
I know there will be bad, and lots of it... But will there ever be more good than bad? I don't know if it's just me having a bad perspective or not but even when I have an idea as to my future to some extent, and a few good things coming, I'm still not happy. I just don't see the joy in life (except for "the joy found in Christ"... Which I think just barely keeps me above depression).
Is there something I should be doing differently? Something I shouldn't be doing? I feel like I'm whining and depressed and stuff all the time... Even when I try Really really hard to be positive and see the joy and whatnot... I always fall back down to the bad. Where is the joy? Even though I know it's ok to be broken and ok to be in pain and ok to show pain... I still don't ever show it. I can't. I don't think this is a question I'll have answered until I get through life either... Waiting that long to have a question answered really sucks! But, as always, I'll grin and bear it.

...

Darkness: it's all around, ever creeping closer, always present. And the *insert descriptive word here* thing is... it never goes away. No matter what we do, who we're with, or how we deal with it, darkness will always be as close as our very next breath. There are lights... then there are the unlit tunnels. I usually scorn the dark but sometimes... it just feels good to soak it in... to feel the pain deeper than my being. I'm not saying it's right but I'm saying it's true. I don't show people that I'm in pain (usually)... but it doesn't go away, ever. I'm good at pain. I'm good at being trampled on... and I'm good at seeming like the happy girl. But the truth is that I don't have a break from awfulness, physically, emotionally, mentally... I soak in pain whether I want to or not, I ignore it really well, but sometimes I have to think about it. Sometimes I literally can't ignore it without killing myself, or it killing me.

I'm pretty sure I talk about the same things alot, but that just means that some things are still the same.

I've been told by men that I'm "lovely", "hot", "attractive", "cute"... and many others. But no-one has ever acted on any attraction to me. I'm ignored or overlooked... or something. I know I'm not a model... or super beautiful, but I also know I'm not ugly, I have a semi-decent body, and I'm not a *insert whichever degrading repulsive name for a chick that comes to mind*.
I love people... I give a small (or sometimes large) part of my heart to every person I meet.
I fall in love easily, I don't throw myself at people though.
I know who I am and I don't hide that at least...
I'm kind of sarcastic, I crack corny jokes sometimes.
I HATE being abused or mistreated by people... I can stand up for myself, but I usually don't.
I also hate disappointing people, It breaks little parts of me whenever people are unhappy with my work, or if I forget things.
I'm too hard on myself, When I make mistakes (little or big) I beat myself up verbally and especially mentally for hours or days, or even weeks.
There are many insecurities that I have.
I've made mistakes, but I know when I'm wrong.

I'm moving to Maranatha for the summer in *eek* 2 days! I feel like it's kind of like a new start, where people will see me how they see me with no knowledge of who I've been or who I haven't been. I get to tell them who I am, with no one else to define how I do that. Call me crazy, and wish me luck.

<3 Alanna