I was thinking tonight about how much I wanted to go bad in high-school, to say screw you, God and do whatever could deaden my pain. I never did, either because I was too stubborn to admit that I was "wrong" about the whole God thing... or maybe because I was scared, I don't really know and I don't need to dwell on the reason right now. But part of me wishes I had thrown it all away for a few years... even though I know it's better this way, I wish I could prove it to myself. I know it can be fun, the life of abandon and stupidity, but I never "got" to have it.
I've been a burden carrier for far too long... always carrying my own and other's problems (that's what Christians do, right?) but I've never had someone come beside me and want to see my burdens... let alone help.
I've figured out more and more lately just how little faith some people have in me. I say I have an idea, or solution, or even that I can do something... and I'm doubted even though I usually end up succeeding. I want for once to have someone who has complete faith in my crazy ideas... and still has faith in me even if I do end up failing sometimes. I don't like being told I'm stupid/crazy/naive...
My favorite song right now is Angel with a shotgun, you can listen to it if you want to...
Even if you didn't listen to it it's a totally girly song and I'm sorry... but it's all about someone who would fight the world and more, throw away everything to protect his love... that's all I want, not literally, but a man who actually wants to protect me from people who want to hurt me, and hold me when it's all too much, and just plain love me enough to stand up for me. Because I stand up for myself right now, I hold my own sorrows, I take care of my own problems and I'm literally one girl against the world. I just want to be protected.
I talked about the lack of transparency in churches... the apparent lack of pain there, but I know there are hurting people everywhere, tired ones, who really have no reason to go on other than going on itself. And we're all to ashamed to show it... when Jesus said
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Mat. 11:28-30)Is it so hard to realize that this is for Christians too?... that we are in a fallen world, where we WILL experience pain, sorrow, hardship and every other negative emotion. But Jesus said we can find rest... in him, all we have to do is allow ourselves to break, to let all of the shit we go through on a daily basis be poured out onto him... and he will give us rest. I haven't done this... not that I haven't tried, but I have so many things weighing me down that I can't even bring myself to process some of them, let alone share them. I want rest soo badly, I can't remember actually feeling rested since... well, actually I can't remember ever feeling rested. I've been broken, but there's always more. I want to get away from my life, to just run and never look back... but once again, I'm too scared. Mostly that it will all just follow me I think.
Another thing for tonight, I don't really feel wanted... or desired, or even loved. I feel like a piece of meat sometimes, but I've NEVER felt like I'm "good enough" to be pursued. (I know I'm worth it... I've just never seen it so I doubt it) I constantly see things that are wrong with me, some that I can change... some that I can't.
All I want is cheesecake and roses. You can ask me about that if you so desire.
for tonight, Alanna
ps: I don't have a clue as to my future... not even a week forward.
