...

Darkness: it's all around, ever creeping closer, always present. And the *insert descriptive word here* thing is... it never goes away. No matter what we do, who we're with, or how we deal with it, darkness will always be as close as our very next breath. There are lights... then there are the unlit tunnels. I usually scorn the dark but sometimes... it just feels good to soak it in... to feel the pain deeper than my being. I'm not saying it's right but I'm saying it's true. I don't show people that I'm in pain (usually)... but it doesn't go away, ever. I'm good at pain. I'm good at being trampled on... and I'm good at seeming like the happy girl. But the truth is that I don't have a break from awfulness, physically, emotionally, mentally... I soak in pain whether I want to or not, I ignore it really well, but sometimes I have to think about it. Sometimes I literally can't ignore it without killing myself, or it killing me.

I'm pretty sure I talk about the same things alot, but that just means that some things are still the same.

I've been told by men that I'm "lovely", "hot", "attractive", "cute"... and many others. But no-one has ever acted on any attraction to me. I'm ignored or overlooked... or something. I know I'm not a model... or super beautiful, but I also know I'm not ugly, I have a semi-decent body, and I'm not a *insert whichever degrading repulsive name for a chick that comes to mind*.
I love people... I give a small (or sometimes large) part of my heart to every person I meet.
I fall in love easily, I don't throw myself at people though.
I know who I am and I don't hide that at least...
I'm kind of sarcastic, I crack corny jokes sometimes.
I HATE being abused or mistreated by people... I can stand up for myself, but I usually don't.
I also hate disappointing people, It breaks little parts of me whenever people are unhappy with my work, or if I forget things.
I'm too hard on myself, When I make mistakes (little or big) I beat myself up verbally and especially mentally for hours or days, or even weeks.
There are many insecurities that I have.
I've made mistakes, but I know when I'm wrong.

I'm moving to Maranatha for the summer in *eek* 2 days! I feel like it's kind of like a new start, where people will see me how they see me with no knowledge of who I've been or who I haven't been. I get to tell them who I am, with no one else to define how I do that. Call me crazy, and wish me luck.

<3 Alanna