Say what?

Because we aren't always good, because we mess up, because we will have pain, because people will hate, because all we can possibly do is our best... even though sometimes our best isn't even good.
I run into more days when my best SHOULD be nothing more than staying in bed... but I force myself into life anyways. I tell myself that if  I give in to my pain I'm weak, that if I do what anyone else would do... people will see me as lazy. I end up working my ass off for minimum wage... and often less than that because I feel bad for saying no. Well I'm finally saying no to people, I gave myself a valid excuse (I see it as more valid than chronic pain). I'm going to be working overtime, with little sleep and even less pay... but I WANT to, this time I made the choice, and I have a better chance at joy elsewhere. I get to leave all of the people who despise me for no reason... and the ones who love me only for my yesses and fake sunshine (even when they don't know it). Truth is, NO you're NOT the only one! Life. Sucks. For more than just you. No, I may not "get" exactly what you're going through, but I get pain. I get what you're feeling and all of the suck in life.
But at the same time, I also "get" that God is somehow good in the midst of this mess. I get that I have a hope and a future... even if it doesn't show up until heaven. And I get... that sometimes I do need to stuff all of the pain and depression, even if just for a moment; Because there's NOTHING wrong, with pretending there's nothing wrong. Not so much for the show of it, or for other people... but because in the lapse of caring about caring I find a spark... a reason to dance in the nothingness.
I find "nothing" to be beautiful and amazing, because I'm surrounded by somethings and someones and problems and never ending shit ALL THE TIME... I like to just stop sometimes, remember to forget... and dance, scream, run, beat things... but all the while: be careless and free. For no other reason than that it feels better than living the normal way.

So even though I live in and amid pain, the one and only thing I can do... against all of the expected and asked for and normal and perceived things... is FIGHT.

Wondering

Will bad always out way good in this life?
I know there will be bad, and lots of it... But will there ever be more good than bad? I don't know if it's just me having a bad perspective or not but even when I have an idea as to my future to some extent, and a few good things coming, I'm still not happy. I just don't see the joy in life (except for "the joy found in Christ"... Which I think just barely keeps me above depression).
Is there something I should be doing differently? Something I shouldn't be doing? I feel like I'm whining and depressed and stuff all the time... Even when I try Really really hard to be positive and see the joy and whatnot... I always fall back down to the bad. Where is the joy? Even though I know it's ok to be broken and ok to be in pain and ok to show pain... I still don't ever show it. I can't. I don't think this is a question I'll have answered until I get through life either... Waiting that long to have a question answered really sucks! But, as always, I'll grin and bear it.

...

Darkness: it's all around, ever creeping closer, always present. And the *insert descriptive word here* thing is... it never goes away. No matter what we do, who we're with, or how we deal with it, darkness will always be as close as our very next breath. There are lights... then there are the unlit tunnels. I usually scorn the dark but sometimes... it just feels good to soak it in... to feel the pain deeper than my being. I'm not saying it's right but I'm saying it's true. I don't show people that I'm in pain (usually)... but it doesn't go away, ever. I'm good at pain. I'm good at being trampled on... and I'm good at seeming like the happy girl. But the truth is that I don't have a break from awfulness, physically, emotionally, mentally... I soak in pain whether I want to or not, I ignore it really well, but sometimes I have to think about it. Sometimes I literally can't ignore it without killing myself, or it killing me.

I'm pretty sure I talk about the same things alot, but that just means that some things are still the same.

I've been told by men that I'm "lovely", "hot", "attractive", "cute"... and many others. But no-one has ever acted on any attraction to me. I'm ignored or overlooked... or something. I know I'm not a model... or super beautiful, but I also know I'm not ugly, I have a semi-decent body, and I'm not a *insert whichever degrading repulsive name for a chick that comes to mind*.
I love people... I give a small (or sometimes large) part of my heart to every person I meet.
I fall in love easily, I don't throw myself at people though.
I know who I am and I don't hide that at least...
I'm kind of sarcastic, I crack corny jokes sometimes.
I HATE being abused or mistreated by people... I can stand up for myself, but I usually don't.
I also hate disappointing people, It breaks little parts of me whenever people are unhappy with my work, or if I forget things.
I'm too hard on myself, When I make mistakes (little or big) I beat myself up verbally and especially mentally for hours or days, or even weeks.
There are many insecurities that I have.
I've made mistakes, but I know when I'm wrong.

I'm moving to Maranatha for the summer in *eek* 2 days! I feel like it's kind of like a new start, where people will see me how they see me with no knowledge of who I've been or who I haven't been. I get to tell them who I am, with no one else to define how I do that. Call me crazy, and wish me luck.

<3 Alanna