Fact of the day

Makeup covers a lot.

Say what?

Because we aren't always good, because we mess up, because we will have pain, because people will hate, because all we can possibly do is our best... even though sometimes our best isn't even good.
I run into more days when my best SHOULD be nothing more than staying in bed... but I force myself into life anyways. I tell myself that if  I give in to my pain I'm weak, that if I do what anyone else would do... people will see me as lazy. I end up working my ass off for minimum wage... and often less than that because I feel bad for saying no. Well I'm finally saying no to people, I gave myself a valid excuse (I see it as more valid than chronic pain). I'm going to be working overtime, with little sleep and even less pay... but I WANT to, this time I made the choice, and I have a better chance at joy elsewhere. I get to leave all of the people who despise me for no reason... and the ones who love me only for my yesses and fake sunshine (even when they don't know it). Truth is, NO you're NOT the only one! Life. Sucks. For more than just you. No, I may not "get" exactly what you're going through, but I get pain. I get what you're feeling and all of the suck in life.
But at the same time, I also "get" that God is somehow good in the midst of this mess. I get that I have a hope and a future... even if it doesn't show up until heaven. And I get... that sometimes I do need to stuff all of the pain and depression, even if just for a moment; Because there's NOTHING wrong, with pretending there's nothing wrong. Not so much for the show of it, or for other people... but because in the lapse of caring about caring I find a spark... a reason to dance in the nothingness.
I find "nothing" to be beautiful and amazing, because I'm surrounded by somethings and someones and problems and never ending shit ALL THE TIME... I like to just stop sometimes, remember to forget... and dance, scream, run, beat things... but all the while: be careless and free. For no other reason than that it feels better than living the normal way.

So even though I live in and amid pain, the one and only thing I can do... against all of the expected and asked for and normal and perceived things... is FIGHT.

Wondering

Will bad always out way good in this life?
I know there will be bad, and lots of it... But will there ever be more good than bad? I don't know if it's just me having a bad perspective or not but even when I have an idea as to my future to some extent, and a few good things coming, I'm still not happy. I just don't see the joy in life (except for "the joy found in Christ"... Which I think just barely keeps me above depression).
Is there something I should be doing differently? Something I shouldn't be doing? I feel like I'm whining and depressed and stuff all the time... Even when I try Really really hard to be positive and see the joy and whatnot... I always fall back down to the bad. Where is the joy? Even though I know it's ok to be broken and ok to be in pain and ok to show pain... I still don't ever show it. I can't. I don't think this is a question I'll have answered until I get through life either... Waiting that long to have a question answered really sucks! But, as always, I'll grin and bear it.

...

Darkness: it's all around, ever creeping closer, always present. And the *insert descriptive word here* thing is... it never goes away. No matter what we do, who we're with, or how we deal with it, darkness will always be as close as our very next breath. There are lights... then there are the unlit tunnels. I usually scorn the dark but sometimes... it just feels good to soak it in... to feel the pain deeper than my being. I'm not saying it's right but I'm saying it's true. I don't show people that I'm in pain (usually)... but it doesn't go away, ever. I'm good at pain. I'm good at being trampled on... and I'm good at seeming like the happy girl. But the truth is that I don't have a break from awfulness, physically, emotionally, mentally... I soak in pain whether I want to or not, I ignore it really well, but sometimes I have to think about it. Sometimes I literally can't ignore it without killing myself, or it killing me.

I'm pretty sure I talk about the same things alot, but that just means that some things are still the same.

I've been told by men that I'm "lovely", "hot", "attractive", "cute"... and many others. But no-one has ever acted on any attraction to me. I'm ignored or overlooked... or something. I know I'm not a model... or super beautiful, but I also know I'm not ugly, I have a semi-decent body, and I'm not a *insert whichever degrading repulsive name for a chick that comes to mind*.
I love people... I give a small (or sometimes large) part of my heart to every person I meet.
I fall in love easily, I don't throw myself at people though.
I know who I am and I don't hide that at least...
I'm kind of sarcastic, I crack corny jokes sometimes.
I HATE being abused or mistreated by people... I can stand up for myself, but I usually don't.
I also hate disappointing people, It breaks little parts of me whenever people are unhappy with my work, or if I forget things.
I'm too hard on myself, When I make mistakes (little or big) I beat myself up verbally and especially mentally for hours or days, or even weeks.
There are many insecurities that I have.
I've made mistakes, but I know when I'm wrong.

I'm moving to Maranatha for the summer in *eek* 2 days! I feel like it's kind of like a new start, where people will see me how they see me with no knowledge of who I've been or who I haven't been. I get to tell them who I am, with no one else to define how I do that. Call me crazy, and wish me luck.

<3 Alanna

Emptiness in Christ

I've been meaning to write a blog on rest for a few weeks now... but I haven't had time to (ironic?) I find that throughout my whole life I hold up a gooey christian girl facade... sure, I own my faith and my sin, and I know where I stand, but do I really let other people see that? I allow people to see a surface of my pain, the topmost layer but for some reason I always am lead to the idea that Christians either a) shouldn't have pain, or b) should be able to handle suckiness with a "Jesus set me free and I'm free and joyful!" mood. I've been to a place a few times in the past few months where I feel like I may just be starting to get it, I might just have "figured out" contentedness. But I always fall back on my face when I least expect it (or when it's been coming for months/years). I can't seem to figure out why God has me here... I mean sure, "to bring glory to himself"... but where? how? why me? I've been stuck in a mess of suck since birth and I don't even know the direction to LOOK to see out.
I was thinking tonight about how much I wanted to go bad in high-school, to say screw you, God and do whatever could deaden my pain. I never did, either because I was too stubborn to admit that I was "wrong" about the whole God thing... or maybe because I was scared, I don't really know and I don't need to dwell on the reason right now. But part of me wishes I had thrown it all away for a few years... even though I know it's better this way, I wish I could prove it to myself. I know it can be fun, the life of abandon and stupidity, but I never "got" to have it.
I've been a burden carrier for far too long... always carrying my own and other's problems (that's what Christians do, right?) but I've never had someone come beside me and want to see my burdens... let alone help.
I've figured out more and more lately just how little faith some people have in me. I say I have an idea, or solution, or even that I can do something... and I'm doubted even though I usually end up succeeding. I want for once to have someone who has complete faith in my crazy ideas... and still has faith in me even if I do end up failing sometimes. I don't like being told I'm stupid/crazy/naive...
My favorite song right now is Angel with a shotgun, you can listen to it if you want to...

Even if you didn't listen to it it's a totally girly song and I'm sorry... but it's all about someone who would fight the world and more, throw away everything to protect his love... that's all I want, not literally, but a man who actually wants to protect me from people who want to hurt me, and hold me when it's all too much, and just plain love me enough to stand up for me. Because I stand up for myself right now, I hold my own sorrows, I take care of my own problems and I'm literally one girl against the world. I just want to be protected.
I talked about the lack of transparency in churches... the apparent lack of pain there, but I know there are hurting people everywhere, tired ones, who really have no reason to go on other than going on itself. And we're all to ashamed to show it... when Jesus said

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Mat. 11:28-30)

Is it so hard to realize that this is for Christians too?... that we are in a fallen world, where we WILL experience pain, sorrow, hardship and every other negative emotion. But Jesus said we can find rest... in him, all we have to do is allow ourselves to break, to let all of the shit we go through on a daily basis be poured out onto him... and he will give us rest. I haven't done this... not that I haven't tried, but I have so many things weighing me down that I can't even bring myself to process some of them, let alone share them. I want rest soo badly, I can't remember actually feeling rested since... well, actually I can't remember ever feeling rested. I've been broken, but there's always more. I want to get away from my life,  to just run and never look back... but once again, I'm too scared. Mostly that it will all just follow me I think.
Another thing for tonight, I don't really feel wanted... or desired, or even loved. I feel like a piece of meat sometimes, but I've NEVER felt like I'm "good enough" to be pursued. (I know I'm worth it... I've just never seen it so I doubt it) I constantly see things that are wrong with me, some that I can change... some that I can't.
All I want is cheesecake and roses. You can ask me about that if you so desire.

for tonight, Alanna

ps: I don't have a clue as to my future... not even a week forward.

To all the moments I hate myself

To all the days when I’ve lost my mind

To all the times when I can’t find my way out

To all the people who bring me pain

And all the mountains that fall on me

To everything that I haven’t left behind

I need joy

I need peace

I need a loving touch more than anything

I need life

I need my tears

I need to feel the future rising up through me

To everyone who has broken thoughts

To everything that won't fill the gaps

To all the world that’s hiding in it’s lies

I see your truth covered in pain

I see your sorrow through all that’s fake

I know you need a life-line just like me

You need joy

You need peace

You need a loving touch more than anything

You need life

You need your tears

You need to feel the future rising up in all you’re fighting through

So let’s not hide anymore

From everything left unexplored

Let’s take each moment and change it

I don’t know anything

But I have everything I need

We need joy

We need peace

We need a loving touch more than anything

We need life

We need our tears

We need to hold the future even when we’re stuck in now

We need the truth